A small exchange of words with an old friend of mine recently has been really eating away at me. A large number of my friends are at that fun stage where they are having children, a few even are on their second round of having a baby, this particular friend included. I'm so delighted for them all! What has been bugging me is the fact that during our conversation about the wonderful upsides of her having offspring, I said something off hand along the lines of "When I have kids..." To which she replied in surprise: "But I didn't think you wanted kids!"
When I told her I indeed did and asked her what gave her that impression, it wasn't due to the fact that my words or action toward kids had given her that idea. In that area it is usually quite clear, I adore kids. When I see someone with a baby, I want to hold that baby, poke its cheeks, ask the parent a million questions and make funny faces at the baby. I even worked with kids for many years.
To her, it was the fact that my boyfriend and I had been together for 'so long' (in her words) and still were not 'settled down' and had kids 'by now'. She fervently urged me to hurry up, tie the knot and start making babies. And this isn't the first time a friend or family member has reacted that way to my current life situation. Each time, I smile politely but inwardly I want to scream a big "F*** You! Don't know assume just because I am not mimicking your own life that I don't have plans for mine." especially when they use the term, 'by now'.
I'm twenty seven years old, I am not ancient. I will not lose my ability to have a child or to be eligible for marriage at age thirty. So if you say 'by now', I assume you just mean 'with me' as if you want everyone to be in sync with your life time table.
Additionally in regards to my age; I still feel so much like a kid myself... I don't even know what I want to do for a career. What if I do end up being a stay-at-home mother? I'd go crazy if I didn't have something else in my life to define me.
Not that I have anything against stay-at-home mothers and fathers, its a tough, admirable and unstructured job. I do however get very erked by women who believe their sole purpose in life is to be a mother. A few moms I know, I love them, I sympathize with their driving maternal instincts truly but these women scare me sometimes. What example are we as mothers for our daughters, if we can't teach them by example to live for more then procreation purposes? What example are we as mothers for our sons, if we teach them by our example that the partner that has loves and drives outside of being a parent is not to be trusted or needs to be corrected/changed?
The reason I am happy with taking it easy in regards to 'settling down' is because there are so many things I am (currently and will be in the future) passionate about. I have new expectations and romantic ideals planned for my life developing all the time. Getting married and having kids are certainly on that agenda but there is so much more then that. For starters, wanting my significant other to be just as excited about those things as I am. Its so unbelievably important to me that my S.O. choosing to marry me isn't just out of a socially engrained sense of responsibility. Being polyamorous is another example... I'm still enjoying that addition to my life and a bit hesitant on how kids would even fit into that picture. I want to do something for a living that feels productive and know I am not just being paid to be a present cogs in a poorly maintained machine. Or even trivial things... I want to see fireflies, go skydiving or skinny dip in Bora Bora before I die.
I have also been at the other side of the spectrum. When I was 17, I became pregnant. Before then (as well as after), I wanted to be full-time mom and get married ASAP. I really thought that was my purpose in life. That I was not a true woman without a husband to take care of me and not a complete human being until I had my 2.5 kids. So many events and life changes have altered my point of view drastically and hopefully, for the better.
I can only speak for myself but my previous desire to be a mother and 1950's style wife was more grounded in a lack of self-worth and self-understanding. I had no real goals for my life and my parents were not the worst but certainly not positive examples. My self help, self esteem and social skills were severely lacking making me a very scared and confused adolescent. After grade school, friendships did not last for the long term and usually the bonds that stuck were with males. So the closest thing to a female role model usually ended up being my romantic partners which only confused the situation more. With all of the factors combined, I truly believed I was broken and simply existed as a drain on society.
But I was certain of one thing; I loved kids. I would volunteer to babysit constantly, I loved any teaching opportunities that arose; I was fascinated by children. I often worked with special needs children and provide daycare for the children within our church. That much has never changed. I am a very maternal person by nature, I am constantly mothering my friends (and boyfriends) when they honestly just need a swift kick in the pants. And a lot of people are. Who doesn't like being needed? And maybe, just maybe, if I could be good at being a mother I wouldn't be/feel so useless.
As I said before, many things have happened to drastically alter my perception on well... everything! It wasn't instant and it was by no means painless. And I am reminded of how incredibly thankful I am for the few people in my life who kept with me or helped me start to discover who I really want to be.
All of this is basically boils down to a lost internet plea to all of the mothers in my friend circle, to all of my friends and family who may not have fully thought out there statements before saying them aloud and maybe to myself just a bit. I can't be angry at you when you expect me to live my life according to the socially predominant time table you may (or may not) be living by and I can't fault you when you are confused by my choices. My old self would have been perplexed too. But if you think your situation has made you wiser then I, Stop! Stop putting expectations on me, stop using your own life as a basis of how and when others should lead their own lives.
Most of all, ladies, please please please stop and remember you are a mother, and in many cases wives too; which is beautiful and you deserve to be so damn proud of it! But that is not the only thing you are and it absolutely is not how you should measure your own or anyone else's self-worth.
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