Time Keeps On Ticking.

Angst - I find the word to be quite comical but over the last few months (if not the majority of my young adult & adult life) it has also been good word for describing myself. Its amazing how I and many adults are still asking themselves, "What do I want to be when I grow up?" And then there is that rock in your stomach where you realize, even though you subconsciously were avoiding it, that you indeed have 'grown up'... well shit.

(1960) Mary Martin, my favorite Peter.

TMNT (1990)

Looks like I didn't grow up to be a Ninja Turtle, Rainbow Brite, an X-Man - nor did I become one of Peter Pan's lost boys. As you can see, most of my childhood future goals to be were fictional males... and usually from some classic gems from the 80's and 90's. But seriously, who wouldn't want to grow up to be a naked mutant ninja who fought crime and ate pizza all day?

I may have majorly hindered myself growing up, my goals and hopes were always so unrealisically based. I feel like a large majority of my young life was spent in my own head rather then having any interaction with the disappointing real world I inhabited. In fact, I know it was. My father was also always reminding me that 'my head was always up in the clouds'... except he would use a less politically correct expression. And as a young child this was actually a benefit, I remember friends frequently and excitedly would ask me create and narrate our games of 'pretend'. But there came a day where these games of 'pretend' were only appropriate for table top games and the occasional bedroom situations. ;)

Octodoodle by moi.

In an attempt to get out of my existential funk, I am hoping to get back into making my polymer clay jewelry and figurines. Perhaps, if feasible, even creating an Etsy shop. It would be fun and maybe even a productive side project. Plus it would feel very rewarding to have a job where I actually take pride in my work again, not to mention it would be great to have hands-on projects again. I rarely feel appreciated in my current job and I miss the satisfaction of creating something with your own hands.

In an additional attempt to distract myself from my emotional rut, I have been trying to get back into drawing. Re-teaching myself all the old art methods I used to love. I used to draw and write daily, it really seems a shame that I let it fall to the wayside.

Photo credit: addiction Minecraft by GodXRay, Deviant Art

Hopefully getting back into those older more creative habits will end up being more productive then my current time waster and addiction... Minecraft. In fact MMORPGS and most RPGs in general are a giant irresistible time suck for me. Which has been a great way to zone out and de-stress but I've definitely taken it a step too far. Sometimes even by passing up my workouts for more game time resulting in a repetative zombie like trance.

Perhaps there is a connection to my being an introvert and my need to always allocate time to do absolutely nothing of importance or responsiblity. I don't think I will ever break free of this habit but I need to manage it much more efficiently.

Bubblegum by moi.

To start, I have given myself a task of drawing or writing once a day. I'm also taking baby inquiry steps toward the skills I may be require to obtain in order to get a art related job. Even more tricky, I hope down the road I could find one that could actually pay me a living wage. At this point in my thought process - is wear the angst hits me. There are SO many artistic people out there. Well connected, trained, technologically savvy artists too. How could I possibly hope to successfully compete with these people?

Hawaii Sunset by moi.

So much of it is terrifyingly unknown to me but one thing I know for sure. I cannot keep going down the career path I am currently going. The anger and pure dissatisfaction I feel at my current position amazes me. The level of bitchiness I have to exude just to communicate and perform my daily responsibilities, disgusts me. I have always considered myself to be a patient person until this job. My patience is shattered and try as I might, I cannot pull it back together again. In short; I hate who I am when I am at work. And some of it is personal which I need to address on my own but I know if I continue doing these office jobs, I won't be the person I aim to be.

Lady Noveau by moi.

The video games I play may make me happy but they have also evolved into an addictive escape from my confrontations. I love and get very involved with my drawings and art projects.

My partner is right, every moment I spend doing nothing is a moment wasted. I need to fill these moments with things that in the very least make me feel happy and fulfilled.