-----------------------
There is a sign a few blocks from where I live, reading "Dumb Starbucks Coffee" with an arrow pointing to a small shopping center. Yesterday my boyfriend informs me that this place is a functioning coffee joint which had just opened that very day and was giving away free coffee.
I will (almost) never turn down the invitation for free coffee. So I put on my hipster camouflage and ventured forth to see what this 'Dumb Starbucks Coffee' was all about.
Firstly, there used to be an amazing restaurant here previously called the Gastropub (affiliated with the Gastrobus). So I was already biased against anything would dane to stand where they stood.
The sign, menu billboard, an even stock photo wall decor were identical parodies to Starbucks. The rest was uncomfortably bare and the pastry display had a spotty selection of Costco style croissants and cookies (which were also free). Many of the tables and chairs, and display case looked to be left overs from the previous owners.
It felt off, as soon as you stepped in. No one present wanted to get in line, the entry way was blocked by people who stood confused at what they were supposed to do. As large groups of people tend to do, people stared lining up for their coffee behind the confused chaps and a queue of disappointment started to form which had to be dispersed verbally extremely frequently by one of the two employees. Then, embarrassed patrons would grumble and reassemble a new line in the designated area.
I read online that the employees were hired via Craigslist and that there was no business licenses posted within the building. And no one really knew if it was a legit business or a hipster hoax.
Everyone repeatedly asked the obvious questions: How can you get away with copying Starbucks? Is this a real coffee shop, or a joke? Are you actors for a prank show? The classy guy in front of us even stuck a video camera in the poor baristas face and barraged her with questions and would turn the camera on himself to make some quips he would crack. And some people were flat out rude to the baristas.
The employees were 100% pleasant and dreadfully perky even. But they seemed utterly unprepared to answer questions, let alone serve patrons drinks. Which increased the odd tension in the place. In fact, they never even referred to the flyers next to them that addressed these questions. They flyer clarified that they could mimic Starbucks via a parody law. And several more paragraphs explaining that this coffee shop was art and therefore is allowed to mimic Starbucks.
When it came to ordering, you would have had time to gander at the clever menu with parody names, descriptions, calorie breakdowns and prices. After being asked what you would like and then providing your order, each customer was informed that "The manager had not expected such a high demand on their opening day and currently they were out of that roast or item and could only serve you black hot or iced dark roast coffee."
Most people were greatly puzzled but free coffee is free coffee and would provide their name and stand off to the side. I kept thinking, if it's they're grand opening... Where is this ominous and poor planning manager? How do you not expect a high amount of demand at your grand opening? My inner Akbar was certainly chiming, "It's a trap!" And I tried to resist you ever itch or pick at my nose lest there were hidden cameras placed all over.
If this set up of a parody coffee shop isn't for some comedic purpose then it really should have been.
By this point the end result was always the same. It would take so ridiculously long for your order to actually come up that when they called your name, you were gone. The waiting customers were frustrated and on edge. A few even tried to diffuse the awkward wait by heckling the service aloud but I don't think most people wanting their afternoon caffeine fix really cared.
The cups to the left are all of the orders waiting to be filled, and the cups to the right are the abandoned coffee orders. From what I saw it was a 20-40 minute wait to receive your coffee. I sat there chuckling every time the barista ever so cheerfully called out someone's order, "Raj? Where's my buddy Raj at?" And another unwanted coffee was added to the pile.
Overall, it was an amusingly 'dumb' experience. We were still not sure if it was an odd joke or simply a horribly run coffee shop but I had a good laugh about it while we were in line at the Coffee Bean up the street moments after walking out on the odd seen.
No comments:
Post a Comment