My first ever official attempt at maintaining a secondary poly-relationship didn't last. The easy answer to why is: our interpretation to what defined a relationship was very different.
It is such a common gripe for all couples, not just the poly ones. I can't speak for his side but I can use my time with him as a future template of what would be required in any future attempts (as well as my current relationship) regarding the basics.
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- Make Time For Me
It is such a common gripe for all couples, not just the poly ones. I can't speak for his side but I can use my time with him as a future template of what would be required in any future attempts (as well as my current relationship) regarding the basics.
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- Make Time For Me
When I was with him, he never truly set aside time that was just for us after that first date. His attention was always drawn away by texts, games, the television or his own life troubles.
This was the biggest sticking point for me. It seems a relationship point that the males seem to miss often, perhaps because they don't need this as frequently as we females do. Not exactly just for intimacy or sex either. If you want that person to be a part of your life, make a frequent effort to show them they have your -undivided- attention. It can be as short as 15 min each day really.
- Actively Care About Yourself
This was the biggest sticking point for me. It seems a relationship point that the males seem to miss often, perhaps because they don't need this as frequently as we females do. Not exactly just for intimacy or sex either. If you want that person to be a part of your life, make a frequent effort to show them they have your -undivided- attention. It can be as short as 15 min each day really.
- Actively Care About Yourself
We're all self conscious to a degree. He stated several times that he was afraid that he was replaceable. He constantly sought approval in his partners and peers, I don't think he ever realized in his need to gain his approval through each paramour to the next he was replacing each if them in the way he feared would happen to himself. In a way, I am glad I sensed this lack of self appreciation early on because it was the cue that helped me keep a slight emotional guard up with him.
If you can humbly and objectively find love for yourself, that ultimately will affect those around you. They will see it in you, feel it towards them and reciprocate. It sounds very hippie, I know but I've seen it actively working in myself and those around me.
- Remember My Birthday
He forgot my birthday (even when his wife reminded him). It's not the worst crime in the world but it let me know I wasn't held in high regard to him. This was also when someone dear to me, started labeling boyfriend #2 as a "douche" and when admittedly, I should have called it quits.
This one is shallow, undeniably. My family and friends forgot my birthday when I was twelve and I spent my birthday at another little girl's birthday party (and it wasn't even her birthday yet). Basically, let me know I'm not forgotten please.
- Keep Me Informed About The Major Decisions In Your Life
For example, secondary boyfriend sold his own car so his wife could afford leasing the car she wanted. They then shared the one car but most 80% of the time he had no car. I wasn't informed of the fact until a week after it happened. The act was awesomely sweet of him however; we were a 40 min drive from each other. It majorly effected our relationship, definitely would have been nice to be informed.
It may seem silly to say but this happens. Especially in a poly-relationship where multiple people have to be kept up to date.
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These are the basics I need in a relationship. They are a recent discovery, I can't fault my now ex terribly for not meeting them. I may however fault him for not pursuing them once I let him know that I needed them.
Finally, I appreciate how this relationship has made my primary boyfriend and I go through hell and come out a bit better on the other side. I hold him to higher standards then stated above (and will continue to). He hasn't failed to impress me with how he can adapt to the expectations I present, in his own way. Hopefully it is the same in my case for him.
This one is shallow, undeniably. My family and friends forgot my birthday when I was twelve and I spent my birthday at another little girl's birthday party (and it wasn't even her birthday yet). Basically, let me know I'm not forgotten please.
- Keep Me Informed About The Major Decisions In Your Life
For example, secondary boyfriend sold his own car so his wife could afford leasing the car she wanted. They then shared the one car but most 80% of the time he had no car. I wasn't informed of the fact until a week after it happened. The act was awesomely sweet of him however; we were a 40 min drive from each other. It majorly effected our relationship, definitely would have been nice to be informed.
It may seem silly to say but this happens. Especially in a poly-relationship where multiple people have to be kept up to date.
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These are the basics I need in a relationship. They are a recent discovery, I can't fault my now ex terribly for not meeting them. I may however fault him for not pursuing them once I let him know that I needed them.
Finally, I appreciate how this relationship has made my primary boyfriend and I go through hell and come out a bit better on the other side. I hold him to higher standards then stated above (and will continue to). He hasn't failed to impress me with how he can adapt to the expectations I present, in his own way. Hopefully it is the same in my case for him.
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