This was once a blank field...

A blank field always appears to me as an invitation to show ones potential, an opportunity to let someone or something else see you as you see yourself and yet; I am never truly satisfied with the results after I have taken a chance on that blank slate. And it's quite frustrating to say the least.

This is why I think so many people hate filling out self summaries on dating websites, resumes and most social forms of literature. There is no way I can share my whole self in this white pixelated space, to make you see what I see. Yet that is what we all strive to do from birth to death, to make those around us see through our hearts, eyes and minds as we see. Varying from our perception of color all the way to the defense of the philosophical beliefs we hold above our own lives. A connection with our fellows we can never truly have but will never stop seeking.

I have turned to the verbose and enormous world of blogging as an alternative to keeping a journal. The ultimate goal of this blog is for the purpose I have stated above. Human connection through communication, which I am sure I will dwell on much more later on as this has been a sticking point throughout my life. The other contributing factor in the creation of this blog is, I have always kept a journal ever since I was taught how to write and found it enjoyable, rewarding and educational. However I have a fatal flaw when it comes to my intimate private journals, nobody knows to throw me a pity party better then me.

My life has had some unfortunate circumstances take place in it and I am anxiety, depression, and even suicidal prone. (An elephant in the room I am always trying to ignore.) My journals became a dark place where I would pour a disturbing amount of anger, fear, worry and regret. I would hope this outpouring would release me but it had an opposite effect. I would feel worse and exhausted when I was done and I would look back upon what I had written and not like or know the person I saw within that verbal self portrait. No one affiliates their personalities, who they are, with these negative emotions. We may joke about it but no one says, "Angry, nervous wreck, lethargic... Yes, that's who I AM."

I'm not an English major, I normally draw more then I write. However, I really do enjoy writing. In a way I hope that an attempt to detail myself through writing will be kept honest by the public, judgmental and watchful eyes of the internets. Ideally, I want start to see a truer self portrait, one that I can identify with and maybe successfully connect, even if briefly, with others as well. It sounds like a good idea in my head at least.

So here's to starting a blog (after years of mocking other brave souls who have), to hoping for a chance to make myself seen and appreciated as I see and appreciate myself, to positively draw out a self portrait I can look back on and acknowledge as me and to mold myself into who I want to be.