An Educational Piece for the Don Juan's of the Internet

Fact. Too many people on the internet are stupid.

As a girl on a few dating and networking sites within the Internets, I seem to be a magnet for quite a few of them. I mostly get offensive or stupid messages from the boys but trust me the girls are not exempt. Below are some of the delightful gems of faux pas first messages, specifically regarding my open/poly relationship.

The 'Type First, Think Later'...

Internet Suitor: "What's an open relationship? How does it work?"

• Translation: "Hi, I'm too lazy to use Google. Will you do the work for me and then still feel compelled to date me?" 

• Try: "I have no experience with open relationships myself, how does yours work?"

Internet Suitor: "Your cute."

• Translation: "I'm interested in you however I forgot how to have a personality. I have also given a red flag regarding my poor grammar."  

Internet Suitor: "Hi, how are you?"

• Translation: "Let's trade polite banter without getting anywhere."

• Try: Pinning that line to a brief three sentence introduction of yourself. If you are just putting out a word or two, you're basically hoping they will be attracted to you based on your looks alone. (Girls... I'm looking at you here.) Where as that is very confident of you, it sets my impression of you as dense.

 Admitting That You 'Suck At This'...

Internet Suitor: "Hi. I suck at the whole dating scene. But I wanted to say hi and that I think you're hot."

• Translation: "Feel sorry for me and possibly take me on as a Fixer-Upper."

Basically Declaring Yourself As A Stalker...

If someone doesn't respond to your first message, there's a 95% chance that they aren't interested. And there is a 100% chance they won't be interested in them if you keep bugging them.




Internet Suitor: "Hello. My name is Blah. Wanna chat?"
I don't reply, X number of days go by, I add a new profile picture.
Internet Suitor: "I love the new picture by the way."

• Translation: "I hide the bodies in the basement and keep their eyes in a jewelry box."

• Try: If you don't receive a response to your first message, give it a week and send a polite follow up message. Just like in the job searching market, showing you have a persistent (but polite) interest can be an admirable quality. And what ever you do, try not to mention or hint that you check their profile out often.

Being Sexist or Down Right Harassing...

(Not the best opening line to charm a girl)

Internet Suitor: "Wanna meet up tonight?"
Me: "Sorry, I have plans tonight."
Internet Suitor: "Aw, ditch it."
Me. "Nope."
Internet Suitor: "After?"

• Translation: "I am going to use bar tactics on you via texts while you are sober and see if they still work." 

 If I tell my friends that I don't want to go to something, they are allowed to bug me to go. If I tell an internet stranger, you ask once and take the hint.

(+1 point for honesty perhaps)

Assuming you are on a vanilla dating site (not a site specifically for kink or hook ups), use some tact. Receiving several of these messages in a row gives girls the creeps and you're ruining it for the others who aren't just looking for a quick fix.

•  Try: Asking "Are you interested in a one night stand?" You can be blunt while still employing some tact. Save the dirty talk for the hook up itself.

The 'Fishing' Messages...

(She sent me this, word for word, 3 weekends in a row)

Girls (and Boys), no copy & paste spam. Seriously, I'd love to hear about one circumstance where that tactic actually worked.

Couples are an odd one. Some of the main turn offs about the fishing messages are: 1) the girl is trying to being way too familiar with you right off the bat  or 2) they don't refer to themselves as individuals, their relationship comes across as a spliced together Frankenstein.

The 'How-Do-I-Even-Respond-To-That'...
 

Um... congrats?

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We ALL struggle with introductions, especially when we are influenced by our attractions to others. But put a bit of effort into it. If all else fails, put as much thought into your introduction as you would mutually respect someone putting into a first message to you.